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This one gets more vent-y than usual. Despair and word-vomit galore.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. At the mere thought of the future, my brain either goes completely blank or goes into a stress-filled overdrive.

I'm probably just being overdramatic. The world is absolutely fucked right now though. I'm fucked up overall too. I can't help but think it messes up my chance at a future.

Like.. the only thing I'm even remotely and naturally good at is beginning to be taken away from me. AI is taking over visual industries, taking visual works from artists, and taking up people's personal space (no, 'cause what the fuck do you mean your AI reads my conversations? And I can't opt out? Hell on fucking earth.). I suck at everything, man. I only suck considerably less at art. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

It's not going to disappear and become obscure the way NFTs and bullshit cryptocurrency did, either, because this has been a long time coming. Humans have dreamed up of sentient robots and fictional AI for a while now-- of course people have been planning for it. Of course the investors are gonna love it. But I don't. People live alongside it now; My mom and coworkers use ChatGPT; It's installed on every goddamn browser; I even fell into the c.ai/chatbot trap once and am STILL climbing out of its tar pit for the sake of my mental health. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE it and I HATE myself for using it.

Not to mention the various wars, human rights violations, and overall bigotry happening worldwide, 24/7. SHEIN and other companies still use slavery for their products, and I know many people who still buy from them. My country's government has almost always been corrupt and it's too far to go back. We're all treated as either failures or as (and encouraged to be) basically labor exports for other countries. How am I supposed to feel safe and free in a world like this?

I don't want to get started on my fuckass life. My family has far too much baggage and, honestly, I really think they failed in raising me (..and everyone else and each other. This family shouldn't even BE a family in the first place. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING!!!!). I should be a normal person and living my life, but I'm not, (mostly) thanks to a couple of people who just don't know when to stop.

..And I’ve kind of given up on the normal standards of "getting better" and finally belonging in any kind of community. I don't think it's in the cards. I think I'm going to be like this forever. Maybe, by some fortunate miracle, that'll change. I'm not counting on it, though.

But, honestly. I don't think I WANT to live, if it means having to distract myself from every issue, since I have no energy or willpower to even BEGIN stopping said issues. I don't want to live on distractions. And I don't want to live with these issues-- I don't want to do things I "don't WANT to, but NEED to do" forever because society can't fucking stay still for a second. (There are AI courses in learning websites. THERE ARE AI COURSES IN LEARNING WEBSITES!!! I DON'T WANT TO "Succeed In The Age Of AI"!!! DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF!!!) I'm tired. And I haven't even done anything of value yet.

I kid you not, I even thought "I should kill myself before it gets worse. On my [future age]th birthday." mid-breakdown this week. As if it would be some kind of mercy-killing. Euthanizing myself before the infection gets worse. I'm not going to do it, obviously. Just. Damn. What the fuck, man.

I don't know. Everyone seems to be celebrating and enjoying the time they have left, but that's more of a privilege for the older generations. I can't really enjoy life; mine hasn't even started yet! I'm in no way ready for the Inevitable End Coming For Us All!!! I just got here!! What the FUCK is going on!!—

--and the such. It feels unfair. What did any of us to deserve this?

I mean I'll still do my best. With whatever willpower I have left remaining. BUT I'M GONNA BE REALLY SCARED AND HOPELESS ABOUT IT!!!!

Maybe this month is just being really mean to me, and it'll all fade away soon. I hope it will.