On the outside, looking in

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I’ve always felt this way, I think; On the outside, looking in. Always too much or not enough to fit in. Unending, constant, passive alienation. I try not to think about it too much and keep to myself, but it gets to me sometimes.

I really do feel neutral about it most of the time! It’s just how I’ve always lived. ’Til I realize that it is how I’ve always lived, and I freak out.

I don’t understand things like other people do. I don’t get balancing acts— the unspoken kind that come up in social interactions, work, and school. I mean, I can try all I want, but I end up making a mess and burning myself out in the long run. It just doesn’t click for me.

I can’t process things the way everyone does. I lack common sense. Sometimes I lack empathy. I could chalk it up to possible neurodivergency and simply not being raised right, but those still aren’t concrete answers, and they still don’t change anything.

It’s a really lonely experience too. I’m fine with being alone, I actually quite like it! But at the end of the day, I’m still human and I need social connections to survive. (That one quote from Bojack Horseman comes to mind.. “I can’t be with people and I can’t be alone.”)

The last time I managed to make friends— completely by myself, without real-life circumstances, and without that “extroverts adopting introverts” phenomenon that keeps happening to me —was around ten years ago. And I don’t even know those said friends anymore. That’s fucking crazy. I don’t know how to feel about that.

I do have friends, though; Ex-classmates that I try to keep in contact with. I like them, and they like me, but I know that we’re all going to grow apart one day. I can’t help but think. What am I going to do then?

I’ll just have to make more friends, even if I have no damn idea what I’m doing, I guess!! It’ll suck, but I’ll do it…. Well, technically, I’m already doing it.

I managed to make a few acquaintances over my online classes the other day.. It was a real thrill at the time, but sending friend requests on Facebook is different from being actual friends. I have to talk to them more regularly, work on school projects together, and try to be a normal human being. It’s all easier said than done for me, but.. again, I’ll do it.

I think I’m going to try DMing one of my classmates about their interests tomorrow. Get a conversation going, or at least have a nice and short interaction. Something like that.

Wish me luck..!