Koinophobia

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Another unrestrained and hyperpersonal word-vomit vent.
Things will get better soon. They have to (COPING)

I think a part of me is scared of being mundane. Not in an active way, like how you'd do anything to avoid/fight your fears. More like a passive, constant hum in the background that I notice every now and then and go "Ah shit :("

I'm fine with it most of the time. It's ok to be mundane, and it's probably normal for people to be scared of being mundane. But alas I am irrational and I don't get to cope with it the way they do.

I am not particularly special in anyone's life, let alone mine. I don't have very remarkable or real (in the way that its seen and experienced by, and involved with others) skills. I will probably be quickly forgotten if I disappear (which is intentional on my part honestly. It doesnt feel safe to be known. But at the end of the day I'm still human). Idk about you guys but that's scary.....

I've convinced myself in the past that I wasn't mundane.. And it was a good thing to believe in the moment, but it isn't really true. I'm nothing special and I didn't even get to amount to much like I was expecting.
Which is fine really I'm just being a huge baby about it.

Everything in my life nowadays seems mundane too. I don't really consider most things fun or likeable anymore, just scaled based on how much it hurts to do and how much it doesn't. I consider the latter good most of the time but it doesn't elicit any joy from me longtime. It's just less painful. (My websites and art are exceptions to this ofc. I like making things to look at.)

It's fucked up, and it's not even the visible, easily demonized or romanticized, kind of fucked up. It's just fucked up in the default, average, plain as hell flavor.

It doesn't drive you to do anything, whether it be good or bad. It only weighs you down and makes you slower than the rest. That's it. That's all it ever does.

This way, you don't get to make a change.

You don't get to ruin other peoples lives, and you don't get to inspire others to do wonderful things.

You don't get to spiral, and you don't get to get better.

You just ARE. And that's probably the worst punishment there is!!

My life is one big secluded, dark, padded cell. Someone get me out!!!!!

OK anyways disclaimer: I am. Probably fine. Late-2025 and early-2026 has just been incredibly tough. It will pass i hope.