On being a brother

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I don't have the best relationship with my family.

For one, I barely know them. I've always been a notably shy kid, after all. Never grew out of it. And secondly, I'm not sure how to think of them most of the time.

I think I loathe them. Too much damn instability and baggage in one lineage, and barely enough support for me to bear it all.

..Then again, they're all that I have at the moment. I can't help but love them in some way, and, well, someone has to look after the younger kids. That someone is me.

I'm the eldest child in my family's household and two of my younger cousins live with us. They're like siblings to me, and they see me the same way.

I haven't been the best brother. When I was younger, I did my best to be good towards them.. But after a couple years, assisted by the elders' bullshit and my cousins' (understandable) resistance, that withered away into hating and neglecting those two, and I'm only now snapping out of it. It's horrible. My cousins still like me, but they don't trust me. I can't blame them for that.

The older generations of this family may be rotten to the core, but that's not the same for my younger cousins. They don't deserve that. They deserve better than what we offer them.

..So. I'm trying to make amends. I'm trying to show up more, entertain their requests to play games together, look at the silly videos they send me, subtly defend them from my family's unfair criticism, and act as the older brother I am and should be.

As a way to test myself, I went as a chaperone for my younger cousin (from now on called sister for convenience) during her field trip this week.

..I didn't do much, admittedly. It was mostly a lot of standing around, following her group, and taking in the sights for myself. Her mom was there, too, and she held most of the necessities, so my sister mostly went to her for things like snacks and water. I was just idle, making sure she didn't trip on her face or something, and looking at all the cool field trip stuff.

But I was still there for her in a way. That has to count for something, especially since I used to flake out on her constantly. I still need to become consistent with it (along with other things to support her + my other cousin, of course), though. Obviously.

I don't have any particular feelings on it at the moment.. Almost a bit lackluster, but one step forward is better than no steps at all. My siblings deserve a competent, trustworthy elder sibling, and I will do my best to give them that.

I don't know what being a brother means, or what it even looks like, but by god I will find it out o7