Another Attempt

Written on 8/30/2025

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Warnings: Non-graphic allusions to a prevented suicide attempt.

Summary: No matter how many times you go through this; You don't feel any different.

"I love you."1

The words tumble out of your mouth, all too casually. It doesn't mean anything to you, just another thinly veiled plead for safety. You don't feel any different. You can't even bring yourself to smile.5

They hug you, arms tight and reassuring, but the warmth doesn't break through to you.7 The shoulder of your shirt, where their face met, feels cold and wet. They're crying.8 You weakly hug them back, it's the least you can do.

They're yelling now, voice loud and shaky, gripping onto your shirt as if to ground you, as if they were tugging on a balloon's strings to keep it from drifting up and away.9 You don't know what they're yelling about.10

High altitude cold air breezes past and the trail of tears on your face sting. You were sobbing seconds earlier11— you realize this just now. It's weird, how the human brain works.

You hold them tighter, yet your gaze is straight ahead.12 Past the rooftop's railing, past the skyscrapers, and past the sky itself. There's a ringing in your ears. You can't focus.

"I'm sorry."13

The world remains gray. Your voice is small. Your heart is hollow. You don't feel any different.

  1. It's not love. That's too strong and big of a word for something2 so weak3 and small4 as you.
  2. Apathetic.
  3. Unloving.
  4. Unlovable.
  5. After all the horrible things you've done, how could you? You're a monster. Hurting others in the process of hurting yourself.6
  6. Or maybe it was the other way around; Hurting yourself to hurt others. It's selfish, either way.
  7. It doesn't break through the coldness you feel— the coldness you are. You are as stagnant and as frozen as they come.
  8. You did this. Your fault.
  9. Going by that logic, you've already flied high up and exploded in the heat of the Sun. Physically alive; Mentally long gone.
  10. You're in trouble. You have to stop acting out like this. Can't you learn your lesson?
  11. Crybaby. Tearing up won't fix anything.
  12. Can't even bear to look at them? You fucking coward.
  13. Liar.