Transgender WTF

..."Transgender FTM". Just "transgender FTM"-- Yeah RIGHT! It's a lot more complicated than that, apparently.

I lack any better metaphor but-- You know how you check your device's storage? Click on a button, see a little bar filled with various colors that make up the taken-up space-- that's what it feels like for me.

My gender is a 256GB vessel with varying and inconsistent contents.

153.6GB man, 25GB "idgaf", and 12GB leftover system data and previous updates. Whatever space is left is simply empty.

153.6GB man: I love being a guy. I love being called simple things like "man" and "bro" in passing. That's my lifeblood. My pride and joy. I want facial hair, the fat distribution, the voice that typical males have. It'd be great.

25GB "idgaf": I just wanna have fun. This is where all the aesthetic shit comes in. I'm alright with being called a girl, as long as everyone's a bit cunty about it. I'm alright with being called it, if its in a funny "look at that creature" way. And the such.

12GB leftover system data & previous updates: I contain MULTITUDES!!! I see all my past and current selves as different people, but I'd be lying if I said that none of them still stuck with me today. My identity is largely non-linear. In small but significant ways, I am still a girl, nonbinary, demi, and whatever else I was in the past. It's a joy to be so many things at once.

Did that make any sense? Probably not. The closest thing I can get to summarizing all this is chaos.
Hence chaosgender.

I still want to transition. I still want to be treated and seen as a man. Obviously.

I'm just indecisive. How could I ever pick just one? How could I ever be just one?

I don't know how you people do it.
--said with a mixture of envy, understanding, and confusion.